so I laid down in the backyard next to the pool and fire pit I had put in years back, my left arm laid in Any man can be a father but it takes someone special to be a Carolina Dad shirt shit and I just groaned to my self “this isn’t what I want to leave behind”. I wiped off the dog shit the best I could so at least it wouldn’t be obvious to the first person that found my body that I willingly/mistakenly laid it in. I hear rambles on my smart phone not sure what she was saying but I’m guessing she was going through a checklist and then I brought the pistol up to my head. I took a big deep breath and well you know the outcome I couldn’t pull the trigger. I a man that has spent literally years in Iraq being shot and bombed against could not pull the fucking trigger….
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The amount I hatred I felt for myself and for life as a whole will never be done in that moment. “You had 1 fucking job and you couldn’t do it” “you pile of Any man can be a father but it takes someone special to be a Carolina Dad shirt , gutless little faggot that always cried out for a way out but when it came you didn’t have the balls”. Words honestly can not do justice to the emotions I felt at the time. I already give the 911 operator my info so I knew I only had limited time to finish what I started. I did not have a back up plan when I started this because I honestly thought I could take the shot. my mind jumped to slitting my wrist in all the Hollywood cliches movies I’ve seen in the past.