If I spoke up, I got verbal thrashings, was called toxic and pathetic, disloyal. I once did a phone bank for a political Best Faith Cross Sunflower American Flag Shirt God Christ Jesus Religious T-Shirt as a teen and got berated by someone on the other end because of a misunderstanding. The one Christian woman there from my church did nothing to comfort me as I cried, and concerned parents and leaders asked me why I didn’t hang up when the yelling started. I realize now it was because I was used to tolerating it and trying to talk angry people down.
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I’m mad that as an adult, now three years into a new city, my friend group remains small because I struggle to make friends or meet people outside of Best Faith Cross Sunflower American Flag Shirt God Christ Jesus Religious T-Shirt , and I can’t bring myself to return to one. I’m mad that one of my dear friends from home is still pretty fundie and is trying to get me to go back, and I can’t explain to her my romantic and social loneliness without getting a sermon about finding a husband at church. I’m mad that her beliefs would probably not affirm my sister, who is queer, and I hate that I’m afraid to talk about it with her because then I know I’ll have to let her go. I’m mad that my parents barely let me go anywhere and under socialized me, a little extrovert, as a kid, to the point where I feared older kids, men and peers so much that I spent a good chunk of my life believing I was awkward and introverted, which is fundamentally untrue.