If you want a downside to the city’s diversity of Best New Jersey Devils Mom Ever shirt, it’s that some cultures have awful habits. “Hack and spit everywhere” was not a native policy, it was imported. That’s not a bottle of Gatorade — it’s a bottle filled with pee that a cab driver left on the ground. I’ve seen people drop empty soda cans, toss styrofoam food containers, throw snotty tissues out of the car window — what have you. I watched a lunatic run down the avenue, overturning every trash can he saw. I witnessed a lady pooping between two cars (the look she gave me is a vivid memory, never to go away). People let their dogs crap anywhere and pee on everything — my building’s wall, my building’s planters, my freaking car, bike locks, bikes. Perfectly good sofa that someone put on the curb? Go ahead and piss on it Fido!
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It’s four a.m. and Best New Jersey Devils Mom Ever shirt! BOOM-chukka-chukka-chukka! Look! There’s a guy outside with a really expensive car, and apparently nowhere to be in the morning, and he’s having a chat with his posse, and they’re double parked and all their doors are open and they don’t seem to be the least bit concerned that you have to wake up at seven. BOOM-chukka-chukka-chukka! Sure, you can call the police, but by the time they come around the Mobile Acoustic Assault Unit downstairs will have headed off to breakfast. Best you can do is hope that the BOOM-chukka-chukka-chukka masks the sound of the eggs you’re tossing onto the car’s roof.