He doesn’t even know about this religious bullshit PTSD that I struggle with, and I hide it really well because I don’t ever want to project that guilt Cool Down Syndrome Warrior Birthday Shirt Support Hero Down Cancer Awareness T-Shirt him when he hasn’t done anything wrong (a mistake I constantly made with my first partner). He has no idea that I’d never had “real sex” (again, whatever the fuck that means) with my partner before him, and that he is kind of my first. He doesn’t know that I had vaginismus or that even still, I’ve never had an orgasm. He doesn’t know the extent of my struggles, and frankly I plan on keeping him in the dark about it completely. I don’t want him to know, ever, because it’s just so fucking embarrassing.
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Sometimes I think fundamentalist leaders get off on preaching abstinence so obsessively and with such toxicity, knowing that those like me who try to snap out of the Cool Down Syndrome Warrior Birthday Shirt Support Hero Down Cancer Awareness T-Shirt control and mingle away from the road less traveled will suffer the way that I do in trying to acclimate to simply living a normal fucking life. Congratulations, assholes, you’ve won. I’m still and perhaps forever will be picking up the pieces. I may never be capable of having a truly healthy sex life. I never initiate sex, I can’t even when I want to. I’m into BDSM and being the submissive because I feel less guilty when I can play out a fantasy where I wasn’t given a choice. There’s still a knot somewhere in my brain that’s constantly pushing the message that SEX IS BAD and I just can’t manage to untangle it.