We also get the ones who don’t quite fit into any category. Some of those are just folks travelling through. Some are hitchhikers chancing the My Nice Button Is Out Of Order But My Bite Me Button Works just Fine Stitch Shirt for reasons that are almost always terribly tragic and are sometimes even true. And sometimes we get the really strange ones. There was the guy who came in wearing a very expensive three piece suit, but with a bloody, severed pig’s head for a hat. He drank three cups of black coffee, tipped me a fifty dollar bill, and left in a white Mercedes that nobody saw pull up.
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Then there was the gal with the mannequin. Some My Nice Button Is Out Of Order But My Bite Me Button Works just Fine Stitch Shirt, vaguely Mexican-looking but speaking better English than I do, comes in dragging a mannequin behind her, both of them dressed like they’ve just left church. She sets the mannequin in a booth, parks herself opposite, and orders a chicken sandwich and a Coke. Kind of joking, I ask her if the mannequin will be having the same. She just looks at me like I’m an idiot and says, “Rupert is a mannequin. He’s made of plastic. He doesn’t eat food.” Then she points at one of the plastic serving-trays and tells me, “Just bring him one of those.” Eh, it’s not the strangest thing I’ve ever been asked for, so when I bring out her sandwich, I leave the tray on the table. She pours a little steak sauce on the tray, then proceeds to have a long and very one-sided conversation with the mannequin while she eats her sandwich. And not the kind of one-sided conversation you’re thinking. She was, apparently, doing the listening. She nodded a lot, throwing out the occasional ‘Oh’ or ‘I see’, and a single, loud, ‘I don’t blame you a bit!’ while the mannequin just sat there, exactly as a mannequin ought to. But when I went to clear off her table after she left, I found a few crusts of sandwich bun, a glass full of melting ice, and a half-eaten plastic serving tray. She did leave a tip, but only a buck and change. Meh.
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