I suppose this is a good place to share where my fears around palliation come from. I used to be an aid in a Peace Love Luck Heart Green Four Leaf Clover shirt, many years ago. I saw a number of unpleasant deaths due to insufficient palliation. We had a wonderful man who was prescribed a self administration pump for morphine. Problem was, he was too sick to press it, and his physician did not seem to grasp the severity of his condition. Every half hour, one of us would sneak in and press the button on his pump, which, in hindsight, was probably illegal, but what else could we do?
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My greatest fear was Terminal Restlessness. I saw a few patients scratch their faces and tear their fingernails out as they died, even on high doses of Peace Love Luck Heart Green Four Leaf Clover shirt and benzodiazepines. My palliative physician has assured me that he won’t let that happen and that there is no limit to what they can give me. I feel much reassured. I have tried to write letters to the people I’ve wronged. I suddenly find that I want to make amends. So many letters. I was a functioning addict for a long time. My family cut me off, rightfully so. So I have been writing a lot of letters.