Anyways. I see now that Snoopy Wear Santa Hat Sparkling Diamond Christmas shirt. It also included me being seriously childish. I could throw tantrums by kicking and punching the sofa and walls, throwing the cushion pillows, flipping tables and things. I even got so irritated that he didn’t give me attention one time that I pulled out the TV cable and slammed the bedroom door. I’ve seen when I finally got away and got some clarity that I was an absolute shithead against him and don’t condone my behavior in any way, but I also think he contributed to these actions in some degree. Living with a person with some markers of sociopathy truly breaks you down and converts you into something else. A little monster who has no regard of anyone else’s feeling sometimes because you only see yourself in the moment and moments later realizes what you’ve done and are so embarrassed, and sometimes care way too much. I believe you have read the symptoms of BPD, so I don’t really need to explain that to you. But bottom line is that in the moment, no you actually don’t understand your actions because it’s like thinking “I’m hungry” and then getting something to eat. You don’t think about it. You are hungry, so therefore you eat. I was angry, so therefore I lashed out the way I knew how (I wasn’t allowed to be angry ever in my home before I moved out on my own ,so my anger results in distancing myself, keeping my mouth shut or crying).
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Basically, people with BPD don’t know how to fully regulate our feelings and we can get so irritated that Snoopy Wear Santa Hat Sparkling Diamond Christmas shirt or appear sour for no apparent reason. Say hi to my wrong, and I hate you for the next hour or so. But also remember, we know what we did after, so we are capable of saying sorry and working toward it not happening again. The problem is that when it happens, we don’t always think because in our heads “We are just hungry.” This is the difference of sociopaths and BPD’s. Sociopaths condone their behavior forever and never see their wrongs. It’s their nature to set themselves first. BPD’s just lost their capability to regulate their feelings 100% on their own sometimes and do things and then realize what they’ve done and says sorry or bury themselves in anger over their actions. We are accountable people who are capable of empathy. Something more os less horrible happened to us sometime in our lives that made us fall apart, and on the way back up we forgot to pick up all of our mood regulating skills. (not everyone has a history of trauma, but it’s very often the case. It’s like it’s own version of PTSD).