I’m sure you’ve already done this, but I didn’t see it mentioned specifically so I’ll just put it here to be extra Tampa Bay Fan Buccaneers Best Dad Ever Fathers Day T-Shirt. You need to very directly, very sincerely, apologize to your wife for not realizing the severity of what has been happening for the better part of a decade. It doesn’t matter if you never had any reason to suspect anything like this. Even if there were no red flags, you should still apologize. Remember, your wife doesn’t necessarily know what you’ve heard or not heard. This isn’t a time to explain that you never had a reason to suspect your family is racist. I’m not saying you should have known or anything like that. But on the slim chance that you haven’t looked her in the eye and said “I’m so sorry that I never realized this was going on; I wish I had been more aware and I wish I had regularly checked in with you for the last seven years to make sure this wasn’t happening behind my back”–now’s your chance.
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You sound like you are probably a good middle school teacher. Even though I’m inclined to agree with some of the Tampa Bay Fan Buccaneers Best Dad Ever Fathers Day T-Shirt chiding you for not taking your wife’s side more clearly, I can see where you were coming from trying to lower the temperature with your folks and be more circumspect.
That said, what you are describing really is their issue. I doubt you would have gained anything from being more confrontational with them but you also aren’t going to gain anything from being conciliatory. Like you said, you didn’t tell them anything that required them to get defensive. They went there immediately on their own because of their own baggage and assumptions around race.
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